The Hunchback of Notre Dame: CLUE STYLE!
by Opaque Opal
Summary: Based off the ever popular board game and the Disney movie. The Archdeacon has been found dead and three brave authoresses need to figure out who did it. Who was it? With what weapon? And where? R&R!
1. Murder and Mystery

Disclaimer: If you've played Clue before, you don't have to read this. For those of you WHO HAVE NEVER PLAYED CLUE, here's the legist of the North American version. Mr. Boddy gets murdered in his 9 room mansion. There are 6 suspects, who include: Miss Scarlet, a young attractive woman; Mrs. Peacock, a lady in a blue outfit; Mrs. White, the maid; Colonel Mustard, a man in a yellow suit; Professor Plum; a young man with a purple suit; and Mr. Green, the grumpiest looking guy in a green suit. There are 6 weapons as well. You then sort the cards into three groups (Suspects, Rooms, and Weapons). Then one card from each pile is put in a CONFIDENTIAL folder. Afterwards, the cards are mixed and dealt out. Notepads are used to keep track of the cards you and other players have. If you use it, you'll eventually figure out everything. You then have to go from room-to-room, trying to figure out the Who, Where, and What by the process of elimination.

**A/N: This was an idea I had a while ago. Originally I was going to have a refrence to it in my story ****It's A Small World After All. ****But now I've decided to do several chapters of it. Read, review, and enjoy!**

It was a dark and stormy night in the city of Paris. Rain lashed at the windows and lightning cracked, lighting up the sky. Six characters from the Disney version of _Hunchback of Notre Dame _were sitting in a study. A wine bottle was open and a fire crackled in the hearth. Leather chairs were scattered amongst potted plants. The carpet had gone threadbare was age. You could barely make out the intricate designs on it.

"Nice weather, isn't it?" Esmeralda joked. She was wearing a sexy red dress, drinking deeply from a wine glass.

"Why do I have to wear this?" Quasi moaned, picking at his maid's outfit in disdain.

"It's because it was the only outfit left in the trunk," Phoebus explained, admiring himself in a mustard-colored suit.

"Isn't it weird that there were only three outfits for boys though?" Esmeralda pointed out as she sat in a leather arm chair.

"Yes, but I still think you look lovely, Quasimodo," Madellaine said sincerely.

**(A/N: For those who don't know who Madellaine is, she's the girl Quasimodo falls in love with in the direct-to-video-sequel **_**Hunchback of Notre Dame II)**_

"That blue dress looks quite nice on you," Quasi remarked.

"Are you sure? Because I think it makes me look fat," Madellaine whined twirling around.

"Oh stop your complaining Madame Madellaine. Your sugar-coated niceness makes me want to throw up," Frollo snapped, adjusting the collar of his green suit.

"I wish this outfit was more flexible!" Clopin complained, prancing around the room in a purple suit. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Quasimodo, could you get that?" Frollo asked.

"Yes Master," Quasi bowed, hurrying to open it. In walked three girls, looking quite grim. They were soaking wet, wearing T-shirts, jeans, and sneakers.

"What's the matter?" Clopin asked, looking concerned as he approached them. Tears were streaming down their faces, but they suddenly squealed and tackled him to the ground.

"What did I do?" Clopin asked as the girls attempted to smother him with kisses.

"You did nothing wrong! At least, as far as I know of!" one of the girls said breathlessly. She had dark blonde hair and had a winged horse across her shirt.

"Who the hell are you people?" Frollo roared.

"We are detectives," piped up a girl with glasses, "My name is Opaque Opal and these are my friends: LazyChesnut and theatreChick1794."

Her friends waved eagerly, still eyeing Clopin with lust.

"Wait, why would detectives come here?" Madellaine asked.

theatreChick1794 gave her a look, "It's because we have some bad news you dumb blonde!"

The blonde people in the room (which included everyone except Clopin, Esmeralda, Frollo, and Quasimodo) gave her a deadly glare.

"I meant dumb blondes like Paris Hilton," theatreChick1794 clarified, blushing furiously.

"We're in Paris France now! Surely that would mean there's another country with Paris as its capital?" Phoebus asked.

"ARGH! Just get on and tell us why you're here!" Esmeralda yelled. LazyChesnut lowered her head, staring moodily at the ground.

"The Archdeacon has been murdered," she confessed.


	2. Randomness, Tackling, and Explanations

**A/N: YAY! So far I got 2 reviews on the last chapter! Furthermore I dedicate this story to LazyChestnut (fomerly bubblymuggle) and theatreChick1794. They're awesome and have really great stories. Oh! And I forgot to mention that my character has a backpack. I just forgot to mention it in the first chapter. Stupid editing skills of mine... ah well. Please enjoy! There's probably only going to be between 1-3 chapters left though! **

* * *

Everyone but the detectives gasped in shock.

"What?" Madellaine asked.

"How is this possible?" Frollo wondered.

Lazy Chestnut shrugged her shoulders "No clue, all we know is that he's dead. And you all are the primary suspects."

"Why?" Phoebus asked, blinking in confusion.

"Because you guys are the only characters featured in _Hunchback of Notre Dame_!" Opaque Opal pointed out.

"But why are we dressed like this?" Esmeralda asked.

"You're based off characters in a board game Americans like us play. It's called _Clue_." theatreChick1794 explained.

"So who's my character?" Esmeralda asked. Opaque Opal beamed at her, drawing a dilapidated box from her backpack. The cover was crinkled and ripped. All the characters had been doodled on, making them look highly unattractive.

"You're the hottest character by the name of Miss Scarlet. She always gets to go first as far as figuring out clues," Lazy Chestnut said, pointing to the brunette on the box.

"HAH! They just said I'm prettier than you!" Esmeralda laughed, sticking her tongue out at Madellaine.

"Well at least MY character doesn't have a unibrow and warts drawn all over her face!" Madellaine pointed out. Esmeralda glared furiously at the box and then at Opaque Opal, who was nervously chuckling.

"That was my brother. He was seven at the time and mad since I threw up on his _Go Diego Go!_ backpack," she explained.

"And Clopin is Professor Plum," theatreChick1794 swooned, batting her eyelashes at the Gypsy King. He glanced at her suspiciously. _How does she know my name? _he wondered.

"Right. So we're all based off of fictional board-game characters. What else is there?" Phoebus asked. The three detectives merely ignored him, staring at Quasimodo.

"What is it? Is my bonnet on right?" he asked, trying to have it cover the wart above his eye.

"It's fine. But look it! Djali looks just like the little dog on your board game, Opaque Opal!" Lazy Chestnut squealed. The goat sat at Quasi's feet with a revolver in his mouth, blinking innocently.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" the girls cooed, despite the fact that revolvers weren't used in the late 15th century.

"Enough of this! What makes you think YOU know about who killed the Archdeacon?" Frollo grumbled.

"Because we have this!" theatreChick1794 said simply. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a large, tan envelope. The word **CONFIDENTIAL **was stamped across the front.

"Open it!" Madellaine commanded, lunging for it. theatreChick1794 held it over her head and Madellaine fell to the ground.

"Nope! Not until we figure it out the old-fashioned way!" she scolded. Madellaine shot her a look of pure poison before getting to her feet.

"Can I see that game?" Quasi asked humbly, approaching Opaque Opal.

"Anything for you Quasi," she replied, handing him the box.

As Quasimodo read the instructions with interest, the others looked suspiciously at the detectives.

"What?" the detectives chorused.

"You barged into this room and we haven't even told you our names. How do you know about us?" Frollo asked.

"Um, mere coincidence?" Lazy Chestnut offered lamely.

"Give us the backpack Opaque Opal," Phoebus commanded, holding out his hand.

"NO!"

She proceeded to play a Monkey-In-The-Middle type game, tossing it to the other detectives.

"LAZY CHESTNUT! CATCH!" Opaque Opal screamed as Madellaine cornered her. She threw the backpack wildly. It was like watching a dramatic scene in slow motion. Lazy Chestnut tried to make a diving catch, but Djali dropped the revolver and butted it into another corner before it could hit the ground.

"YOU DAMN GOAT!" Lazy Chestnut screamed, tackling Djali.

"DON'T HURT MY BABY!" Esmeralda cried, landing on top of Lazy Chestnut. Chaos ensued throughout the room. Djali bleated as his mistress and Lazy Chestnut started to have a bitch fight. Opaque Opal was wrestling with Madellaine in order for theatreChick1794 to get the backpack. However, the detective's friend seemed quite distracted.

"DAMMIT THEATRECHICK1794 QUIT FLIRTING WITH CLOPIN AND GET THE BACKPACK!" Opaque Opal hollered, having Madellaine in a headlock.

"Oh, right!" theatreChick1794 exclaimed, coming out of her daze. She made to grab for the backpack when Frollo held it over his head.

"Excellent," he sneered.

"I wouldn't go through that if I were you," Opaque Opal warned.

"Why not?" Quasi asked.

"The truth would be too much to bear!" theatreChick1794 cried.

The characters glanced at each other, shrugged, and emptied the backpack's contents on the ground. Hundreds of printed out fanfictions scattered at their feet. The DVD of _Hunchback of Notre Dame _also fell out. Not to mention other Hunchback of Notre Dame merchandise; including a Djali stuffed animal and Esmeralda's dress that she wore at the Feast of Fools.

"Hey! That's my dress!" Esmeralda cried angrily, picking it up.

"And I'm on the cover of this thing!" Quasi said, grabbing the DVD. The detectives winced, preparing for the worst. Clopin picked up a stack of fanfictions and began riffling through it. After skimming through some of the pages, he looked at the girls with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

"You mean you girls write stories about us falling in love with characters that never even existed in our time period?" Clopin asked.

"Pretty much," Lazy Chestnut confessed, shuffling her feet.

Clopin was about to read more but the authoress snatched them out of his hand, burning them in the fireplace.

"What was that for?" everyone yelled.

"You should've known I already wrote a fanfiction about the characters reacting to our fanfics! You can't have another reference it in your own story, that's plagiarism!" Lazy Chestnut explained, placing her hands on her hips. She glared at Opaque Opal, who stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry! I was trying to be funny!" she pleaded.

"Fine. Have a cookie," Lazy Chestnut said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out one.

"YAY!" Opaque Opal squealed, nibbling happily.

"What about me?" theatreChick1794 pouted.

Lazy Chestnut rolled her eyes, but was smiling when she gave one to theatreChick1794 as well.

"You shouldn't be accusing Opaque Opal about plagiarism though," theatreChick1794 added, "Half the stories in that area are Mary-Sues who run to the Court of Miracles and marry Clopin."

"And don't forget all the ones with Frollo's lust after Esmeralda in _Hellfire_," Opaque Opal remarked.

"Look, could you three stop babbling and just explain what we have to do?" Phoebus cried in exasperation.

"Fine. You guys are all murder suspects. You have to figure out Who did it, Where the crime took place, and with what weapon," Lazy Chestnut said.

"Well then what are the weapons?" Quasi asked.

theatreChick1794 smiled, taking the board game's instructions from Quasi.

"The 6 weapons are: the Bible, a Poisoned Croissant, Esmeralda's Tambourine, a Bell, and a Dagger," she said aloud.

"Come on! How could you kill someone with a Bible?" Madellaine snorted. The three detectives/authoresses shrugged. Opaque Opal took the directions from her friend and began to read:

"And the 9 places are: Notre Dame, the Palace of Justice, the Court of Miracles, the Bakery, the Festival of Fools, the Miller's Farm, a Gypsy Caravan, the Fish Market, and the Shore of the Seine River."

"How are we supposed to figure out who did it?" Esmeralda wondered.

"By the process of elimination," theatreChick1794 clarified, "We'll deal you cards and you have to narrow down the suspects, weapons and places to one in each category. Any questions?"

They stared at the detectives blankly.

"Good. Lazy Chestnut here will deal the cards and report back to us in an hour!"

After the cards had been dealt, the detectives went into another room and shut the door.


	3. Answers

An hour later, Quasimodo knocked on the study's door. "Can you guys come out? We think there might be an error with the cards."  
"Okey dokey!" Lazy Chestnut cried cheerfully. She and the other detectives sauntered back into the main room. The storm outside had started to increase in intensity. Hail bounced off the windows and the wind blew so hard the candles flickered.

"Well Frollo, who do you think did it?" Opaque Opal asked.

"It was that gypsy whore Esmeralda in the Court of Miracles with her Tambourine!"

"Oh come on! You're only saying that because I'd rather be burned alive than have a relationship with you!" Esmeralda spat, looking furious.

"We can arrange that," Frollo said evilly, eyeing the fireplace eagerly.

"Let's not have another person killed," theatreChick1794 reasoned, standing between them like a referee in a boxing match.

"Can't you just tell us who really did it?" Phoebus whined.

"Nope! The suspense is great for a climax when Opaque Opal here doesn't have a more sophisticated plot going!" Lazy Chestnut exclaimed, clapping her friend on the shoulder.

"Don't be a flamer," the authoress warned, glaring at her.

"I think it was Madellaine in a Gypsy Caravan with the Bible!" Clopin cried, waving his hand flamboyantly.

"WHY WOULD I KILL THE ARCHDEACON WITH THE BIBLE IF I THINK IT CAN'T KILL PEOPLE?" Madellaine hollered her face redder than a tomato.

"I think it was Djali with his Horns in the Barn!" Phoebus said stupidly.

"You were supposed to use the given suspects, dumb ass!" Opaque Opal said in exasperation.

"Oh come on! You can't help him for being jealous of my pet! Djali has an even higher fan-base than he does!" Esmeralda reasoned, patting her husband on the shoulder.

"Yeah, quit Phoebus bashing Opal!" theatreChick1794 accused, punching her friend on the shoulder. There was an awkward pause as the two authoresses/detectives had a staring contest of hate.

"It was Clopin with the Poisoned Croissant at the Bakery!" Madellaine cried dramatically, breaking the silence.

"Come now! I can barely afford croissants as it is!" the Gypsy King protested, stroking his goatee. Everyone was staring at the **CONFIDENTIAL **folder with greater impatience.

"Look just tell us who the damn murderer is before we all go nuts!" Quasi shouted.

"Why would you even care Quasi? You're the most harmless person here!" Madellaine insisted.

"That's what you think," Quasi joked.

The authoresses stared at each other in disbelief. Could a humble hunchback really have that much hatred to kill the Archdeacon? They couldn't see how anyone else would want to. The only one who really showed any animosity towards the clergy man was Frollo.

"Fine, I'll open it," theatreChick1794 grumbled.

Both the suspects and the authoresses waited with baited breath. theatreChick1794 opened a large card with the gargoyle trio.

"WHAT?! HOW COULD MY FRIENDS COMMIT THIS CRIME?" Quasimodo sobbed, throwing himself down on the ground.

"Calm down! It's the _back_ of the card!" theatreChick1794 clarified. The hunchback raised his tearstained face, smiled bashfully, and got to his feet again. The authoress smiled warmly and flipped the card to the right side, displaying a beautiful Catholic church.

"The murder took place in Notre Dame!"

Everyone started clapping with joy, but then quickly stopped. After all, even though the place was found; that didn't get them any closer to bringing the Archdeacon back.

"Now the weapon!" Opaque Opal said. theatreChick1794 reached into the envelope, pulling out the other card.

"Looks like it was the Dagger."

Everyone made loud, obnoxious "Oooohing" noises, much similar to the way jocks talk when they want a fight to happen.

"Looks like you got caught red-handed!" Phoebus chuckled, pointing at Clopin.

"But my gloves are purple!" Clopin protested, waving his hands around.

"Yeah. Even though technically it's his weapon it doesn't mean Clopin murdered anyone," Lazy Chestnut pointed out. The Gypsy King smiled smugly, sticking his tongue out childishly.

"The moment of truth! Who did it?" Esmeralda cried. theatreChick1794 rummaged in the envelope.

"Oh no," she muttered.

"What?" everyone asked.

"There's no card for the murderer! There were only two!"

"WHAT?"

Everyone began to argue, unable to hear a squeaky voice from the corner.

"BE QUIET!"

They all spun around. A little puppet identical to Clopin smiled evilly, holding up the dagger.

"PUPPET'S THE MURDERER?"


	4. The End

Disclaimer: I'm going to be alluding to a lot of other peoples work in here, so please DO NOT BE OFFENDED. It's called a parody for a reason

**A/N: Sorry for the long update everyone! I hope you enjoy the final chapter of my story!**

* * *

Everyone stared at the Puppet in disbelief. How could this little piece of cloth (who ironically looked like the sexiest gypsy alive) have enough anger to kill the Archdeacon?

"You're the murderer, Puppet?" Esmeralda asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"That's right, bitch!" Puppet said proudly, puffing out his chest.

"DON'T CALL HER A BITCH YOU MULTI-COLORED RAG!" Phoebus roared, squeezing him around the middle.

"But Puppet? Why?" Opaque Opal cried, tears staining her eyes. He gave her an acidic glare of hatred.

"Do you understand what its like to have every emotion you've ever felt being controlled? DO YOU?" he shouted. Blue yarn began to come out of his eyes, symbolizing tears.

"Well of course! I had to read _1984_ and that was all about a totalitarian society. God that book was a bore. Apparently 2 plus 2 equals 5 in that book," theatreChick1794 exclaimed.

"What's even worse is they had to wear overalls! Those are _so _out of style!" Lazy Chestnut said in a bubbly-like manner.

"THAT'S NOT THE SAME!" Puppet wailed, crying even louder then before.

"Look I'll make it up to you! I could put you on strings if you'd like!" Clopin offered hopefully.

"That'll make it worse, you acrobatic bastard."

Puppet experienced a mood swing quicker than a PMSing girl (or guy). Going insane, he took the dagger he had murdered with and hurled it at Clopin's leg. His master cried out in pain as it sank less than 2 inches into his leg.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the authoresses sobbed, sinking beside the wounded Gypsy King.

"Jeez. I wish someone would cry dramatically over my wounds that weren't life threatening," grumbled Frollo.

"Give our friend Lily a call then!" Opaque Opal said, whipping out a cell phone.

"Opal you KNOW that isn't historically accurate for the time period," theatreChick1794 warned.

"Oh who cares?" Lazy Chestnut said, "Apparently kung fu was around in France way back then and they sang _Gimme More _by Britney Spears."

"I'm going to kill you all!" the Puppet vowed, cackling maniacally and breaking up their conversation.

"No you're not!" theatreChick1794 ordered.

"Oh yeah? Who's gonna make me?" Puppet challenged, crossing his felt arms. His sneer made him look like Angelina Jolie with a bad lip job. Improvising, theatreChick1794 took off her sneaker.

"Do you have any gum from your back pack Opal?" Lazy Chestnut asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Cause I have an idea."

* * *

Several moments later, the authoresses had constructed a sock puppet. Despite it being striped and had partially-chewed gum for eyes, it looked cute.

"Ta da! Meet your new girlfriend by the name of Sockmantha!" theatreChick1794 said happily.

"Oh come on! That's not going to stop him from going all psychopathic on us," Madellaine argued. But the laws of love had different ideas. For at that moment, Puppet was hugging Sockmantha as if she were his new best friend.

"AWWWWWWWWWW!" everyone cooed.

"You're love has overcome my evil. Now I'll never kill anyone again," he said lovingly.

"Really?" Lazy Chestnut asked. Puppet experienced another mood swing, an evil glint in his eye.

"Nah, I'm just screwing with you!"

He lunged for her throat, attempting to strangle her.

"NOOO!" the authoresses cried, trying to pull him off their friend's throat. _The Hunchback of Notre Dame _characters stood off to the side, still confused as to what was going on.

"Hey! I called that Lily girl you were talking about!" Frollo called over the ruckus. Meanwhile, Lazy Chestnut was going bluer in the face. Even more surprising was the fact that Puppet had an extremely tight grip.

"Who will save me?" Lazy Chestnut wheezed. Suddenly, glass shattered from across the room. Wind blew in from the storm outside as two figures arose from the mess.

"Who goes there?" Phoebus asked.

"It's me, LilyHelsing!" said a cheerful girl. She had short brown hair with electric-blue highlights. On her feet she wore black high tops and jean shorts.

"And look who I bought with me!" Lily added. A muscular man with a beard stood before them, wearing exercise clothes.

"IT'S CHUCK NORRIS!" the authoresses screamed.

"Who the hell is Chuck Norris? How will have save Lazy Chestnut?" Clopin asked in exasperation.

"He's only the greatest person EVER!" Opaque Opal said obnoxiously. Apparently she was right, for at that moment the ever famous actor/fitness instructor ripped Puppet off Lazy Chestnut's throat.

"What are you doing?" Puppet squeaked angrily.

"Ending your wrong doings forever," said Chuck simply. And with that, he ripped Puppet into many pieces and threw them into the fire.

"Hooray!" everyone cheered. Lily Helsing waltzed over to Frollo, shyly playing with a lock of her hair.

"Are you the Lily person I called?" he asked.

"Yes! Take me I'm yours!"

They passionately began to make out, disgusting everyone else in the room.

"That was totally random," Lazy Chestnut remarked, massaging her throat.

"Yeah, but everything is! We're just glad you're okay!" theatreChick1794 and Opaque Opal said, hugging their friend.

"Is this game over with?" Esmeralda asked.

"Yeah, you guys can go back to your every day lives now," Opaque Opal said, gathering her things.

"Thanks for participating!" theatreChick1794 added, hugging them all good-bye.

"Lily, c'mon! The time machine's outside! You don't wanna be late!" Lazy Chestnut insisted, trying to pull her and the ruthless Judge apart. She finally broke the kiss long enough to say, "Chuck Norris helped me get here. He's so great he can defy the laws of science without a time machine. I'm gonna stick here for a while."

"Suit yourself," Lazy Chestnut shrugged. And with that, the authoresses (minus LilyHellsing and Chuck Norris) left the room and never came back.

"You know," Quasi remarked, "I've seen a lot of weird Hunchback things in my time. But this by far tops them all."

"Yeah. When else are we going to see you in a dress?" Frollo laughed, breaking his kiss from Lily. The hunchback hung his head in shame.

"Well, cross-dressing is a lot better than having food thrown at you. Believe me; I wear dresses all the time!" Clopin giggled. Chuck Norris, who was standing off to the side, cocked his eyebrow in confusion.

"Come on Lily. This place is way too weird. I didn't know this shenanigan was going to involve cross-dressing gypsies and hunchbacks!" he said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her away from the Judge.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Frollo sobbed as the pair disappeared in a puff of puce colored smoke.

"Let's get out of these ridiculous outfits," Madellaine exclaimed. Randomly, a song began to blare throughout the room.

"LIKE FIRE, HELLFIRE!" Frollo sang.

"GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS!" Esmeralda cried.

"OUT THERE... THERE IS HEAVEN'S LIGHT!" Quasi trilled, trying to harmonize both of his songs.

"WE HAVE A METHOD FOR SPIES AND INTRUDERS! JUST LIKE THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME ON TOPSY TURVEY DAY!" Clopin chanted. Everyone stared at him.

"What?" he shrugged, "I have 3 songs! I must incorporate them all!"

"I don't have a song," Phoebus said sadly, looking on the verge of tears.

"Here we go! This is perfect!" Madellaine exclaimed, pulling out a boom box. She pressed the play button and the song _Hoez Get Naked _by DJ Assault blared throughout the room and the mysterious Clue adventure ended happily ever after.

* * *

**A/N: If you didn't like the extremely random ending, I'm sorry. Hopefully a little essence of Chuck Norris made you giggle (my guy friends think he's like the greatest thing ever, so this is for them). Thank you so much for all your kind-hearted reviews. Flames will be extinguished but constructive criticism is appreciated. **


End file.
